Guide
How to Flirt: Cheeky Chat and Moves That Lead Somewhere
What to say after hello, what to do when you meet, and how to tell if they're flirting back.
How do you flirt with someone?
Flirting is showing someone you're interested in a way that's fun to receive, then watching whether they show it back. By message, tease a little, pick up on what they said and ask questions that invite a story. In person, hold eye contact, smile and lean in. Turn it up only as fast as they do.
Flirting does three jobs at once:
- Show you're keen
- Find out if they are
- Have fun doing it
On a hookup site, part of that work is done for you. People are on XXX Direct, an 18+ site, because they want something casual, so the question isn't whether sex is on the table, just whether you want it with each other.
This guide picks up after hello. For the opening line itself, borrow from our first message ideas.
How to flirt by message: seven moves after hello
Flirting and chatting online comes down to attention. Anyone can pay a compliment; proving you've been listening is rarer.
- Tease, gently
- Pick on something they chose, never something they can't change. They admit to pineapple on pizza: "Bold. I'll let it go once, but I'm keeping notes." Teasing invites them to hit back.
- Call back to something they said
- They mentioned a salsa class on Monday. On Wednesday: "So, salsa. Dangerous yet, or still apologising to people's feet?" Being listened to is flattering.
- Compliment the specific
- "You're hot" is soon forgotten. "That photo where you're mid-laugh: you look like trouble, and I mean that nicely" sticks. Praise humour, taste or a story well told, and leave their body out of it until they've made clear that's welcome.
- Ask for stories, not facts
- "What do you do?" gets a job title. "What's the best night you've had that started as 'just the one'?" gets a story, and stories are where people turn flirty without trying.
- Match their energy and pace
- Two lines from them, two or three from you. If they reply every few hours, don't answer in ten seconds and then send three follow-ups.
- Add innuendo once they've shown they like it
- Try a line that reads two ways and see how they take it. They: "I'm a terrible influence." You: "Good. I've been far too well behaved lately." If they run with it, carry on; if they change the subject, so do you.
- Go easy on emoji
- One well-placed wink can carry a sentence. A row of flames after every message reads as nerves.
Try this: scroll back through your last chat and find one thing they mentioned that you never asked about. That's your next message.
How to flirt in person when you finally meet
Meet somewhere public first (our guide to meeting a hookup safely has the checklist), then let your body do some of the talking.
Let eye contact linger
Hold their gaze a beat longer than usual, smile, glance away, come back. Staring without blinking is something else.
Smile like you mean it
Look pleased when they walk in, and laugh because something's funny, not to be polite.
Open up your body
Face them and uncross your arms. Shoulders pointed at them say you're interested; pointed at the door, they say you're planning your escape.
Close the gap a little
Take the corner of the table, not the seat opposite, or sit side by side at the bar. Notice whether they stay put or ease away.
Touch only when it's welcome
A brief touch on the forearm mid-laugh is a gentle start, and touching back is a yes to more of the same, not to everything. If they stiffen or pull away, stop, and let them make the next move.
Slow down and be there
Speak a little slower and lower than usual, and put your phone in a pocket, not face down on the table.
Are they flirting back? How to read the signals
Keen and polite can look alike at first.
| Signal | Probably keen | Probably polite |
|---|---|---|
| Questions | They ask things back and follow up | They answer yours and stop |
| Length | Replies as long as yours, or growing | Shrinking to a word or two |
| Who starts | They message first now and then | It's always you |
| Innuendo | They pick it up and add to it | They steer round it |
| Eyes | They hold your gaze and smile | They check their phone or the room |
| Body | Leaning in, turned towards you | Leaning back, angled away |
| Touch | They find reasons to touch your arm | They ease away from yours |
One signal alone means little. Look for several together, and for a chat that warms up over the days.
Signals also mislead. Shy people can seem cool, some people are warm with everyone, and a slow reply might mean a long shift. When you can't tell, ask: "I'm enjoying this. Am I reading it right?" Either answer beats guessing.
Turning up the heat, one step at a time
Good flirting builds. Take each step only when they've met you on the last one.
- Playful. Teasing, callbacks, laughing at the same things.
- Personal. Compliments about them rather than their messages, and the odd line that could be read two ways.
- Plain. Say you fancy them: "Cards on the table: I fancy you, and I'm enjoying this far too much."
- Suggestive. Hints about meeting, with no details: "I get the feeling a quiet drink with you wouldn't stay quiet for long."
- The ask. Suggest meeting, or say what you'd like. Our guide on how to ask for a hookup covers the wording, and how to take the answer.
Check in lightly as you climb: "Too much?" or "Tell me if I'm being too cheeky" keeps the mood and gives them an easy way out. A pause, a change of subject or a cooler reply is an answer too, so drop back a step and let them set the pace.
A flirty chat promises nothing, and either of you can cool it at any point. If things get steamier and you both want that, our sexting tips cover doing it well and safely.
How to flirt with a man, a woman or anyone you fancy
These flirting tips work whoever you're flirting with. Everyone likes being noticed for something specific and made to laugh, so flirt with the person in front of you, not a theory about men or women.
Flirting with a man
Notice something he chose: "A man who lists his sourdough starter as a hobby. I have questions." Make the first move if you feel like it, and when you like him, say so plainly. A clear "I fancy you" is hard to misread.
Flirting with a woman
Answer what she wrote, not how she looks: "You rate yourself eight out of ten at pub quizzes. Bold. I'd want proof." Compliment her humour or style, tease what she's chosen, and say plainly when you like her.
For everyone else, the same goes: profiles say what each person is looking for, so start there.
Nervous about flirting? Five ways to make it easier
- Plan one line, not a script. Keep one question ready for when the chat stalls.
- Ask more, talk less. Questions take the spotlight off you, and people warm to anyone curious about them.
- Set a tiny goal. One callback and one compliment per chat beats trying to "be charming".
- Own the nerves. "Fair warning, I'm a bit nervous, so if I start talking about my cat, rescue me" usually gets a laugh.
- Shrink the stakes. It's one chat or one drink, and a no says more about fit than about you.
Practice drill: after each chat, note one line that landed and one that fell flat. Keep the first kind.
Flirting mistakes that kill the mood, and what to do instead
| The mistake | Do this instead |
|---|---|
| The backhanded compliment ("You're pretty for someone who...") | Tease what they chose, praise what they did, and keep the two apart. |
| Going crude too early | Stay cheeky rather than crude until they've shown they want more. |
| Pushing after a no, or after a change of subject | Step back. Asking again is pressure, however it's dressed up. |
| A flood of messages before they've answered one | Send one, then wait. |
| Talking only about yourself | Roughly one question for every story you tell. |
Negging, putting someone down so they chase your approval, is the worst of the lot. Teasing is shared fun; a neg is a dig with a wink stuck on. If you'd hate to receive it, don't send it.
How XXX Direct gives your flirting a head start
Profiles say what each person wants, what they're into, what's off the menu and roughly how experienced they are, so flirting starts on the same page.
You needn't open with a private message, either: everyone can post updates, comment and join in with polls and quizzes, and a playful comment is flirting with the pressure off. Free gives you a limited number of messages a day, plus replies to anything VIP and VIP+ members send. VIP adds unlimited messaging, members-only chat rooms where people flirt in company, and a list of who likes you, so you can start with someone already interested. What each plan includes is on the features page; what it costs is on the pricing page.
If flirting tips into pressure, block instantly or report from inside the site. Images that may be explicit arrive blurred with a warning until you choose to look. The manners side of all this lives in our casual hookup etiquette guide, and the guides hub has everything else.
Flirting questions, answered
How can you tell if someone is flirting with you?
Look for effort beyond politeness: questions back, replies as long as yours, the odd chat they start. In person, lingering eye contact, leaning in and reasons to touch your arm. Still unsure? Ask.
How do you flirt over text without coming on too strong?
Match their length and pace, tease about things they've chosen and keep compliments specific. Save innuendo until they've shown they enjoy it, and send one message at a time.
What's the difference between flirting and being creepy?
Flirting responds to the other person; creepy ignores them. If they're smiling and joining in, carry on. If they've gone quiet, changed the subject or said no and you keep going, you've crossed the line.
Is it fine to flirt with several people at once?
Yes. Chatting to a few people at once is normal on a hookup site unless you've agreed to be exclusive. Just don't paste the same lines around.
What if I flirt and they don't flirt back?
Then you have your answer. Ease off, keep it friendly if the chat carries on, and move on if it doesn't. Nobody owes anyone a flirt in return.
Ready to try a line or two?
Join free, say plainly what you're after, and flirt with people who've said the same.
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